White House orders media blackout; Trump’s body liquefies in the Oval Office.

After ordering the EPA and its staffers to share no information with the press or on social media about anything related to the EPA or the transition to a purely whale-oil based economy, newly duped Chief-of-Staff Reince Prebus expanded that order to include the entire Executive Branch–at least until Trump’s cabinet was fully in place.

After only five hours, Donald Trump’s body began to form a deep orange puddle in the middle of the floor of the Oval Office. One Secret Service agent who witnessed the event said, “It kinda looked like nacho cheese. Woah, I’m actually hungry for some nachos now.”

After telling reporters that he “thought Trump could last at least 12 hours without posting on Twitter or saying something–anything–to the media,”  now-President Mike Pence began disassembling the centuries old Resolute desk used by a number of past Presidents. When asked what in God’s name he was doing, Pence replied: “Exactly. In God’s name, we’re gonna build this fuckin’ ark, just like Trump said a thousand times over the course of the campaign.”

Justifiably confused, the remaining reporters–the ones who were not drunk off their asses depressed that they’d probably be out of a job again– pushed Pence to explain what he was talking about.

Pence sternly replied, with a slight glisten in his right eye, “You know the ark I mean. The one to keep the Mexicans out.”

–Reporting live from the former Oval Office, which is apparently now a nacho cheese-stained Church….

GOP Convention-Goers Accidentally Cheer the Words of Black Muslim First Lady

In a stunning display of bipartisanship at the RNC last night, potential future First Lady/Daughter Melania Trump offered a stunning tribute to the current first lady and badass vegetable nazi, Michelle Obama. While many commentators speculated that the third Mrs. Trump needed to plagiarize that portion of the speech because after 18 years of living hell with a hateful orange skin covered pile of poor people’s bones, she quote “was as dead on the inside as she looks on the outside.”
Responding to that suggestion, with completely lifeless eyes, Mrs. Trump said, “I love Michelle Obama. I can only imagine what it is like to be married to an even minimally decent man like Barack. Seriously. I wanted to pay tribute to her success, and especially for delivering such a powerful speech in 2008 that I literally couldn’t help but copy it.

What remains most shocking about this all, besides an immigrant being welcome at the RNC at all (at least one who isn’t part of the exploited janitorial staff of course), is that ……MUSLIMS!!!! ISIS!!!!!! BLUE LIVES MATTER!!!!…My apologies folks, Rudy Giuliani is now on hour 7 of his well-reasoned, calmly delivered Shakespearean soliloquy…

Reporting Live from the tropical paradise that is America’s flourishing Rust-belt, Joe Biden.

Dershowitz on Trump’s Anti-Hillary Star of David Tweet–Last Straw for Jewish Voters Who’ve Been in a Coma for the Past 12+ Months

http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/article/2016/jul/05/donald-trumps-star-david-tweet-recap/

Alan Dershowitz is a highly educated and sophisticated moron. Besides his past calls for the legalization of torture and repulsive and ebullient support for the massacring of (Palestinian) children and other gross and illegal activities of Israel, he has just suggested that this whole star of David tweet from Trump was–and should be– “the last straw” for some conservative Jewish voters. I’m sorry, if this was your “last straw”–that THIS was the thing that made you not support Trump– you’re also a moron.

Here’s why: Donald Trump is a piece of shit and has been basically forever–but at least since the whole Birther thing and definitely 200% a piece of shit since he announced his 2016 campaign for the Presidency, headlined by his assertion that most Mexicans are rapists. He has said some of the most vile, hateful things America has more or less tolerated since Rick Santorum and George Wallace were allowed to speak in public.

Seriously though, regardless of any of that, if the shape of a dialog bubble is your last straw for anything, please dear god stop using straws to decide who to vote for…

Here’s the only way this stupid (and yes, originally anti-Jewish) tweet can be your last straw: 1. You think Mexicans are rapists. 2. You hate working people and thus oppose maintaining even a minimal social safety net including a minimum wage. 3. You hate all Muslims and think there is something inherently evil about being Muslim that warrants a complete disregard for the Constitution and Universal Declaration of Human Rights. 4. You think that women are inferior to men and deserve to be treated like shit. 5. You support the use of violence against people who disagree with you (in peaceful ways). 6. You thought Trump was kidding about all the fascist comments he’s made in the past (including previous retweets of neo-Nazi quotes and memes). 7. To summarize, you’re a hateful, bigoted idiot.

If these don’t apply to you, the only explanation is that you’ve been in a coma since the day Donald Trump announced he was running for President.

To continue with Dershowitz’s inhumane pseudo-intellectual existence embodied in today’s CNN interview, he also stated that Bernie Sanders and Trump were similar in that they tried to maintain support from anti-Jewish camps on their respective sides of the political spectrum. Dear. Fucking. God.

Okay, he goes onto explain himself: Bernie stayed silent when his supporters called on him to criticize Israel for murdering civilians and illegally occupying Palestinian lands….hmmm…wait that doesn’t sound like anti-Jewishness at all. That sounds like pro-human rights to me. Ahhh now it all makes sense: Dershowitz opposes human rights, so he gets confused by critiques of Israel rooted in basic human decency and international law.

In Dershowitz’s mind Hillary Clinton must be the perfect candidate. She abides by the “anything critical of Israel is anti-Semitic” mantra at the core of the (un)Democratic Party and supports the rampant violation of human rights. A match made in Paradise.

Finally, a special shout out to our corporate friends at CNN–giving a voice to people who should be completely ignored since 1997.

(I’ll have an actual satire of this story from the perspective of that Jew in the coma posted soon.)

“I Did Not Have Campaign Relations with that Woman” Part 2

New information is trickling in on the Bill Clinton not-campaigning-sex scandal, similar to how his semen trickled onto so many suspecting dresses over the years.

According to sources familiar with the encounter–because they were eavesdropping on the other side of the door–Bill Clinton refused to use lubricant while he was not campaigning vigorously inside of the poll worker, and he insisted on yelling “feel the burn” for the entire estimated 43 second ordeal.

The volunteer has been released from her duties at the polling station shortly thereafter, although she has not been released from the hospital as of yet as she is undergoing treatment for a different kind of burning (and itching) sensation…

“I Did Not Have Campaign Relations with that Woman”

In a flagrant and intentional violation of Commonwealth of Massachusetts’ election law, former President Bill Clinton had sexual intercourse with a young poll (not pole) worker at a polling station in Boston on Super Tuesday. Massachusetts was a key battleground state in the 2016 Democratic Party primary. Exit polls showed insurgent candidate Bernie Sanders with a 4% lead over the former Secretary of State, Goldman Sachs motivational speaker, and unrepentant war criminal Hillary Clinton–that was, until her husband’s Viagra kicked in. The Clinton campaign needed to prove to the media that she could win in a state whose Democratic base was not primarily blindfolded conservatives. 93 delegates were up for grabs, but instead Hillary ended up winning by roughly 25,000 “votes” and now a young woman has crabs. (Il)legal seafood anyone?

As it turns out Massachusetts’ election law is quite specific on this issue. It is strictly prohibited for anyone to campaign within 150 feet of a polling place or from 6 inches inside of a polling volunteer.

When asked for an explanation on how Hillary Clinton went from being down 5,000 votes to being up by 25,000 shortly after her husband finished “not campaigning” inside of the sultry 23 year old, first-time poll volunteer, the campaign spokesperson said, “We’ve paid off everyone already–or rather, Goldman Sachs has picked up the tab for us–and good luck trying to stop us from winning, or at least buying this election! What did you think? That this was a real democracy? HA!”

Tom Brady’s Suspension Reduced to 2 games for “Merely Committing Domestic Abuse”

The recent suspension of New England Patriots quarterback and male model Tom Brady has received a great deal of coverage over the past 24 hours since the punishment was handed-down. According to an ostensibly independent NFL investigation into the supposed deflation of game balls used by the Patriots during and prior to last season’s AFC Championship game, two equipment managers were deflating footballs because the under-inflated balls were preferred by Brady. The report suggested that not only were a few footballs actually deflated, but also that there is no known advantage to deflating footballs. Additionally the report speculated wildly with no actual evidence, that Tom Brady explicitly and definitely probably was “at least generally aware” that something was going on with the balls.
Brady has thus been suspended for 4 games for conduct detrimental to the integrity of the NFL. It has been implied that this suspension was primarily due to Brady refusing to cooperate with the NFL’s investigation in the form of turning over his personal cell phone records.

In a feat of spectacular journalism and with the help of Juilan Assange and Edward Snowden, I have obtained and viewed Tom Brady’s personal text message records. I have since turned them over to the NFL, which then immediately responded to my inquiry that they will indeed be cutting Brady’s suspension in half.

It turns out the reason why Brady was so reluctant to turn over his cell phone records was because he consistently admits–even brags–to his friends, colleagues and really any one whose number he has, that he consistently beats his wife, and beats her good and long. Sometimes the reason given is because Tom threw an interception or got sacked in his last game, or even had a bad day at practice. Sometimes Tom says “I am just bored and a little buzzed.”  Either way, he had good reasons, and we all get it.

In light of this exonerating evidence regarding Deflategate, the story will likely completely disappear from the mainstream media.

I have also obtained an early draft of Roger Goodell’s impending press release on the reduction of Brady’s suspension. Goodell writes:

“We were to hasty to judge Tom. He is a great player, and we are sorry for ever questioning his integrity. We fully understand that sometimes you just need to hit a bitch, but that is no excuse for failing to comply with a royal decree from the Commissioner’s Office. In light of the facts though, we cannot in good conscience maintain the 4 game suspension of such a great star and future Hall of Famer for such a minor infraction as domestic battery.”

–Reporting from the Twilight Zone (also known as 21st century corporate-patriarchal America), a regular guy capable of basic reasoning.

Fact: Watching a Movie Will Make You Agree with Everything in It

http://baltimore.cbslocal.com/2015/04/24/american-sniper-controversy-in-college-park/

The University of Maryland-College Park has decided to cancel a scheduled screening of the patriotic masturbatory snuff film American Sniper, which details the insane, implausible, entirely fictional invasion of a sovereign state by another sovereign state, under the pretense of contrived pseudo-evidence. The movie details the little known military career of George W. Bush, the most prolific sniper and war-criminal in recent US history. The purpose of the film was to show how traumatic it is to be an American hero forced to kill all the Muslims guilty of terrorism–so all the Muslims, ever. Okay, so I didn’t exactly watch the whole movie…oh wait, yes I did….Never mind.

So the movie isn’t about George W. Bush, or is it? The movie isn’t a snuff film, or is it? The movie isn’t about the illegal invasion of a sovereign nation-state, or is it? The movie isn’t masturbatory patriotism, or is it (on this point, it certainly is)? The point I want to make here is, that regardless of the issues with the film–and there are A LOT, many of which are offensive to Muslims, pacifists, any one with any rudimentary knowledge of history, understanding of how the US came to be involved in the 2003 invasion of Iraq (here’s a hint, it wasn’t to find Osama bin Laden), or really anyone with any sense of empathy or basic human decency–ignoring such a popular cultural product that is indeed so very offensive is completely unhelpful, at least to everyone who finds it offensive. This is really the problem with censorship in general, sometimes seeing hyper-sensationalized, congratulatory portrayals of war and the costs of war, is useful, especially for those people capable of critical thinking (actually, maybe we should ban everything…).

We don’t need to stop watching/consuming these types of films or cultural products more broadly; we need to watch them critically, and criticize them thoughtfully, loudly, and publicly.

You can watch a movie (or even hear about it) and wish it was never made, but it was made so what are your options? You can ignore it and go along with your life. Other people will watch it, some will think it is amazing and some will hate it. Some people will be aroused to the point of ejaculating on live television about it (see any Fox News coverage of American Sniper for an example of this semen-stained approach to cultural commentary).
The movie has already made millions of dollars, so boycotting it won’t make a dent at this point. What can you do? Will you allow it to play at your university, and then use that forum to begin a wider social dialogue about the portrayal of violence in film or of the Iraqis in this movie in particular (spoiler alert: every Iraqi, with no nuance or sophistication is portrayed as being guilty of some heinous act against American or her soldiers), or will you be loudly offended that it is even playing and get it taken off the schedule before any one else has the chance to criticize it and what it represents?

If you believe that in watching a film you are required by science to agree with every single aspect of it, I suggest you take the latter option. If, by some weird chance you have not agreed with certain things in movies you have seen in the past, and you do not think this particular movie is immune to that same response in yourself and others, I suggest you let the movie be played and then talk about why the content of the movie is repulsive, offensive, and evinces the horrible acts all of us as Americans have been implicated in. Critique is democratic and necessary for true emancipatory progress. Ignoring–or worse, banning– what we should be criticizing is undemocratic and helps the elites maintain their exploitative, war-justifying ideological hegemony. Watch the movie, think about it, and then judge it and everything it stands for…. unless of course you firmly believe ignoring war crimes is the best way to make sure they never happen again.

 

PS: For a great critical review of the film, check this one out:  http://contemporarycondition.blogspot.com/2015/03/the-quiet-american.html

No, I Do Not Want You to Destroy the Last Shred of Humanity Left in Higher Education

I received an e-mail this morning requesting that I adopt a cutting edge technological system in my contemporary political theory course in order to improve the educational experience of my students and save me time. This company, Top Hat, has apparently been contracted by Florida International University to implement their technology. What it does is basically turns a conventional classroom experience into an online class. What follows is the e-mail I sent in response to their request for a meeting to discuss implementing their technology and to get my feedback on it:

“Hi N——,

I know you are just doing your job, and what follows is not directed at you personally but at the idea behind the email I was sent. You can also consider this the feedback you requested.

After looking into Top Hat, I can assure you it is one of the most unnecessary pedagogical technologies I have encountered in my short time as an instructor (in that it seems to undermine actual pedagogy–at least in the context of political theory, though I suspect beyond it as well).

Here are some alternative and more honest taglines that your company may want to consider using in its marketing: “Finding your students too focused in class? Annoyed by your students’ voices? Tired of thinking of ways to intellectually engage with your class? Top Hat just may be right for your course! Why have conversations with your students directly when you can impersonally interact with them across a mobile device.”

In other words, no, I do not have 20 minutes for you to convince me to erode the last bit of humanity left in the classroom. This technology might be minimally useful if it saved paper, was free, and didn’t require students to have a distracting piece of technology in front of them while they’re supposed to be deeply focused on our class discussion or perhaps the words I am saying. Top Hat seems to be one more attempt to annihilate the actual classroom environment by turning the physical classroom into something akin to an online course.

As it is, Top Hat seems like a cop-out for disillusioned professors and a way for capitalistic universities to squeeze more money from students while offering them an inferior educational experience. Though I suspect my criticisms apply to other fields, Top Hat is in no way a useful technology for a contemporary political theory course like mine that examines the dehumanizing and depoliticizing effects of the intrusion of consumer technologies and the distraction industries into more and more facets of our lives. I am not opposed to technologies that serve a positive social purpose, and I oppose technologies that undermine– or at least are used in a way that undermine–social awareness, truly interpersonal connectivity, and learning in general.

Thank you very much for your offer, but I am in no way interested in debasing my course with this “service.” Feel free to pass this message on to your supervisor or the administrators at FIU.

I hope you have a wonderful and enlightening day.

All the best,
Bryant.”

I also want to mention that I feel so precarious with my employment at FIU as a non-tenured graduate student and instructor, I actually felt the need to inquire as to whether this was protected by my first amendment rights. Luckily there remain people who support free speech at FIU, but nonetheless, fingers-crossed that I still have a job come tomorrow.

Fuck you Starbucks, I’ll See You Tomorrow

So I don’t mind admitting when I’ve been even somewhat duped. Lucky for all of you: today is one of those days. Starbucks, you got me (and I’m not surprised in the least).

So I am a fat ass, and as a reward to myself for waking up at 8:45 and getting to campus at 9:50 I decided to poison myself with an “old-fashioned glazed donut” from Starbucks. I noticed they didn’t have any in the display case so after I order my gigantic coffee I asked the barrista(?) if they had any anyway. Here’s what I see: she goes behind the display case, opens a drawer, and proceeds to take out an individually wrapped old-fashioned glazed donut. So you’re telling me, not only are the baked goods at Starbucks not even remotely fresh (which I could have guessed), not only do all the baked goods at Starbucks come individually-wrapped, but they hide this fact like they are ashamed. They unwrap them before you get there so we can all pretend together that each 500 calorie sugar cake is made special just for you–or at least not mass produced in some enormous industrial bakery.

Commodity Fetishism and the Society of the Spectacle–they do it for a reason: uppity Starbucks consumers wouldn’t feel like spending $3 if they saw the plastic wrapper their $3 muffin came in, and it makes no difference until you see the plastic wrapper. The donut all of a sudden tasted just as delicious as the ones from the gas station, that is to say, delicious–but I now felt ashamed. When I go to Starbucks I like to pretend that I am too good for gas station food/coffee.

Fuck you Starbucks, I’ll see you tomorrow.

New Evidence Finds: Obama “Not Really Muslim (or a terrorist)”

http://www.cnn.com/2015/03/07/us/terror-plot-suspect-interview/index.html

CNN has been widely reporting that the recently arrested and newly-crowned local radio terror-celebrity Christopher Cornell proves the infiltration of the United States by the forces of the Islamic State (ISIS/ISIL). While I think there is good reason to be extremely skeptical about the plausibility of the entire premise of this story, I think there is a deeper piece of news that CNN has (in its always infinite wisdom) overlooked.

In his interview with local radio, Cornell who is a self-described “Muslim” and “American” (and his Facebook page indicates he is extremely interested in knowing who “A” is on the ABC Family smash-hit “Pretty Little Liars” and as well was “SHOCKED” by Beck’s recent Grammy victories), delivered an important piece of truth to the American people. Regardless of all of these important labels, there is another label on a different “American” that has been up to this point documented by ample evidence that I want to address: President Obama’s (again up-to-this-point-proven) Muslim-ness. Cornell’s deeply sophisticated and entirely believable “interview” spoke directly to the verity of this label.

As we all know (or so we thought we knew), President Barack Saddam Hussein Obama Bin Laden is a Kenyan Muslim. Now this news story does not disprove the prevailing truth that Obama bin Laden was not in fact born in the United States, but rather was born to known communists in Kenya. However, Christopher Cornell’s interview has provided with verifiable proof that President Obama (for short) is NOT ACTUALLY A FUCKING MUSLIM (not that we should care AT ALL if he was…Yup, I just re-checked the US Constitution…little read part of the First Amendment: “Muslims=A-Okay”). As a known member of ISIS, which of course speaks accurately and legitimately for the ENTIRE global Muslim population (similar to how the KKK speaks for ALL Christians everywhere), Cornell stated, “Obama is an enemy of Allah, therefore an enemy of us, of Islamic State.” and “the continued American aggression against our people and the fact that America, specifically President Obama, wants to wage war against Islamic State.”

Here we have it folks, finally a source we can really trust. You heard it here first…President Obama is not a Muslim (there goes all the good will we had in the region…)!